*BEFORE READING. THIS IS A REAL LIFE EXPERIENCE FOR ME AND IT IS A TOUCHY SUBJECT FOR ME. IF THERE ARE ANY INQUIRIES YOU HAVE ABOUT MY PERSONAL HEALING AND COPING WITH THIS SITUATION, PLEASE COME TO ME PERSONALLY. IT'S SOMETHING I AM FREE AND OPEN TO DISCUSS.*
Well. There goes another cover up relationship...
Why in the hell do I keep doing this? Oh yeah, because my Jehovah's Witness mother and Baptist father would never take a faggot in their house.
Why'd they create one, then?
This is so confusing. I have a lot of friends. Maybe they'll back me up...
I told one of my best friends and he never responded. I just told him to keep it a secret.
It was on a Friday. That Monday I went to school like normal, but something was different. People looked at me differently. Almost with disgust. What did I do this time? I match today (for once). I took a shower. Brushed my teeth. Maybe my zipper... Nope. It's fine too.
Wait.
No.
He didn't.
Pffft. I'm just overreacting.
Alright, something has GOT to be up. Even at football practice, they're treating me differently. Like they're afraid of me. What's the problem?
Jamaal, did you get my message from last night?
"Yeah, fag boy."
What...? Look, I don't care. Just tell me you didn't tell anybody.
"I didn't tell anybody."
Then why the hell is everyone acting so weird to me?
"Maybe they don't want your gay to touch them? I don't know?"
THEN YOU FUCKING TOLD THEM?!?
"You told me to say I didn't tell anyone. I did that. Look, you better get to practice before Coach Simpson makes you run even more..."
...
Great... Now everyone knows. Maybe I should just put a label on my head that says it. ALRIGHT, DAMMIT. YES! I'M GAY! Alright, world. Give me all of your wrath. Give me your disagreements. Give me your Christians coming to my house throwing holy water on me and all my so called "peers" alienating me to face this on my own. I mean, I clearly always liked boys. This isn't exactly a choice. What makes me so different now that it's known? Yeah, I had girlfriends. Ever heard of a cover up? I'm young. I don't know what I want... I should be thinking about my next chemistry test; not how many times someone calls me faggot in a day. I thought Jamaal would have been able to at least talk to me man to man on this.
But I'm not a man.
I'm a pansy.
Just some little sweet fag that doesn't deserve to show his face.
So, he could talk to me bitch to man.
Or man to bitch, because I'm obviously not important enough to be put anywhere but last.
I have no one to turn to...
I posed the hypothetical question to my parents on what they would if I was gay, and my dad said he'd laugh in my face and disown me while my mom pleaded she'd try to get me "right".
Right.
What is right?
"It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!"
What about it's a kid who doesn't even believe those 2 beings exist? Also, every other man isn't named Adam or Steve.
So I guess I have to soul search and find out what's wrong with me. But I can't do this alone....
I'll ask da.... Nope.. Not dad.
Mo... Not mom.
Not Jamaal. If I can't go to him, that already cuts out Jordan, Elijah, and Jalen, since they're all and the same
Maybe Dayvid. He's Jordan's brother, but they aren't ALWAYS connected. Well, the only part about that is that Dayvid committed suicide last week.
What's the point of even living if this body is nothing more than a lie of illegal affection?
What the hell am I?
Oh yeah, that's right.
I'm gay...
Wonder how much damage a fall from here would do?...
...
This camera eye is capturing the moment of my life in my sophomore year of high school when I came out about my pansexuality. It is very descriptive and gets down to pretty much every nook and cranny of the personal thoughts I was experiencing and the actual actions that took place. These thoughts reflect how I was thinking AT THAT TIME and are not indications on how I feel against specific religions, groups, etc.
Your camera eye does a great job of portraying your thoughts and feelings in this time. The use of different font sizes, colors, and bold really helped to enhance your camera eye and make it more interesting and pleasing to the eyes. You are a very smart and nice guy, and people should not treat you differently because of how you choose to live your life, even if they do not agree with your actions. We should all treat each other with respect and nicely. I hope if you are still struggling with things that things will get better! Good Job!
ReplyDeleteThis stuff is pretty hard, man. It's tough to face adversity, and I think that you did a great job of depicting your thoughts and feelings during those times. The "back-and forth"s really aided in portraying the anger and sadness that you had developed toward those people. Keep your head up, man. Great job.
ReplyDeleteSome people find it really difficult to really say who they are, and in present day more and more people are becoming open about being gay because there are more support groups and open minded people who aren't putting them down making them feel inferior. It's a really tough thing to do and it shows how strong you are mentally and emotionally about coming out and it's terrible how it happened for you, seeing how someone you trusted with it didn't keep that trust but you were strong enough not to give in to peers and their actions towards you. I really like this camera eye because I can relate in a way, as in my camera eye I had a story that a lot of people wouldn't admit because it's shamed upon and looked at as "emo" or "suicidal" but in reality it isn't all about that. Both topics are very touchy and emotional but you're able to talk about this openly and I admire that. Great job Leon!
ReplyDeleteLeon,
ReplyDeleteYou did a good job here varying your style when moving from personal, internal contemplation and things like dialogue. Furthermore, you have more than one type of dialogue that you represent here: you include dialogue with other people, as well as internal dialogue with yourself, sometimes taking on the voice of other people you are imagining yourself in conversation with. I also like how you varied your line length and spacing to communicate speed, such as when you have quick, declarative lines when you are feeling frustrated. I think we all get a very clear sense of your feelings of betrayal, anger, and anxiety about how to proceed.