I can't stop crying...
I haven't felt this low ever before. What do I do? I have no one to talk to, to tell my problems to. Sure I have my friends but how much help will they be? Will they even listen to me? No. I can't tell them, they'll judge me.
I have an idea... No, I shouldn't do this. Should I? Is this what it's all come down to? My boyfriend just broke up with me and I'm struggling to pass my classes at school. I haven't told my family yet, I'm too scared to know what they'll think about me...
I've never struggled in school before.
Why would he leave me on New Year's day?
I can't take this stress, these thoughts, this pain.
Everyone is asleep, I should go now. Nana keeps it in a jar next to the sink in the kitchen, she won't notice it's gone for the night. I'm going to do this, I have no other option...
I need an outlet... An escape...
I finally found it, but let's be careful about this. First I need to clean it, I'm sure it's dirty. Tears streaming down my face, I can barely see, barely breathe. I'm too emotional right now, I know this isn't the right choice but I can't resist the urge anymore.
Sitting on the cold floor, rolling my sleeve up. Where should I start? I'll just start at my wrist...
The sharp pain only lasts for a minute, then dies away. My arm swells with pain as I keep going... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... I need more. I need to forget my emotional pain... Not too deep though, I don't want to harm myself real bad.
The blood pools over the cuts. I've lost count of how many I've done now. I just can't stop, I feel an urge to keep going, at least until I got halfway up my arm. Looking in the mirror, my tears have stopped. I have to clean this up now, wrap my arm up so my family won't see what I've done.
There's some bandages in the bottom drawer, I can use that. I'll put the razor back before my Nana gets up. Guess I'll wear long sleeves until these heal.
I know all about this type of self-harm. I know it's addictive and leaves scars. I realize I have made a terrible decision...
Regardless, I'll wear these scars for the rest of my life. They're part of me now, part of my story.
This camera eye is capturing the moment when I began to have an emotional breakdown from all the stress and pain that was occurring in my life at that time (back in 2012). It's about the time I decided to become a cutter. It is all my thoughts from that night and decisions I made. It's a personal topic, but I'm not ashamed to admit it. I can't say it's the worst decision I've made, but it was a terrible one.
Monday, February 17, 2014
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Camera Eye: Alaina Mills
lights
go dark whooshwhooshwhoosh
scooting my way across the smooth ground…. it Is pitch black
there's a cough
a baby crying
the faint rustling of people
I stop walking. Is this my spot?
I can’t see, my heart is pounding, fingers trembling.
I look around… it is pitch black. I think I see Shelby, or is that Krista?
I can’t see.
Whooshwhooshwhoosh, a slight breeze blows my hair. I freeze, staring into darkness,
another cough
It’s time. Breathe in
Breathe out.
Chin up, smile on.
CLICK I’m blinded.
Spotlights light up the dark room. I look out, I still can’t see even with the lights.
Everything is black, but the light is so bright.
The heat from the lights is hot,
There’s the music,
1234567812345678 12345678 12345678 12345678 1 and 2 and 3,
4567 and8. my mind is racing with counts. Moving fast,
Spinningandspinning turning, flying.
Smiling , just keep smiling, smiling into the darkness ahead of me.
Music is blaring, 12345678. I see Shelby and Krista. Moving fast,
Spinningandspinning turning, flying.
I love this.
We are all moving in unison. 12345678 12345678 now my heart is pounding from moving so fast, not from nerves. I am in the spotlight now, I see Miss Gina sitting in the darkness. She’s in the front, smiling up at me. Hands bent, moving in unison with mine, but smaller movements.
scooting my way across the smooth ground…. it Is pitch black
there's a cough
a baby crying
the faint rustling of people
I stop walking. Is this my spot?
I can’t see, my heart is pounding, fingers trembling.
I look around… it is pitch black. I think I see Shelby, or is that Krista?
I can’t see.
Whooshwhooshwhoosh, a slight breeze blows my hair. I freeze, staring into darkness,
another cough
It’s time. Breathe in
Breathe out.
Chin up, smile on.
CLICK I’m blinded.
Spotlights light up the dark room. I look out, I still can’t see even with the lights.
Everything is black, but the light is so bright.
The heat from the lights is hot,
There’s the music,
1234567812345678 12345678 12345678 12345678 1 and 2 and 3,
4567 and8. my mind is racing with counts. Moving fast,
Spinningandspinning turning, flying.
Smiling , just keep smiling, smiling into the darkness ahead of me.
Music is blaring, 12345678. I see Shelby and Krista. Moving fast,
Spinningandspinning turning, flying.
I love this.
We are all moving in unison. 12345678 12345678 now my heart is pounding from moving so fast, not from nerves. I am in the spotlight now, I see Miss Gina sitting in the darkness. She’s in the front, smiling up at me. Hands bent, moving in unison with mine, but smaller movements.
I can start to make out faces in the darkness, but they go
as quickly as they come into view. I do not see anyone I know. 12345678 1 and 2
3, 4, 5, ,678
Suddenly I stop moving, breathing hard, still smiling…
I am frozen, don’t move. The room explodes with noise… cheers and claps coming from the darkness out in front of me.
Suddenly I stop moving, breathing hard, still smiling…
I am frozen, don’t move. The room explodes with noise… cheers and claps coming from the darkness out in front of me.
CLICK I am engulfed in complete darkness again, the
spotlights are gone. Still frozen.
Whooshwhooshwhoosh, the same slight cool breeze rushes past
my face,
I unfreeze, walk back off feeling happy.
I am a dancer of 15 years, and this camera eye is me in the
moment of a performance. The “Wooshing” Is the curtain closing and opening, I
am always nervous when first going on the stage. Everything is dark because the
lights are off. When the curtain opens and the lights come on the stage is full
of light but the audience is still dark. The “12345678” Are the counts I am
repeating over and over in my head for the dance. Flying is how I feel doing
jumps and leaps. Shelby and Krista are people who dance with me, and Miss. Gina
is our dance teacher who sits in the very front and while sitting in the chair
can’t help but dance along with us as best she can sitting down. While dancing
my nerves relax and I have the time of my life on stage doing what I love, then
the dance ends, the crowd applauds, the lights go out and the curtain closes. I
go back off stage. I love dancing and performing!! J
Camera Eye: Leon Cummins
*BEFORE READING. THIS IS A REAL LIFE EXPERIENCE FOR ME AND IT IS A TOUCHY SUBJECT FOR ME. IF THERE ARE ANY INQUIRIES YOU HAVE ABOUT MY PERSONAL HEALING AND COPING WITH THIS SITUATION, PLEASE COME TO ME PERSONALLY. IT'S SOMETHING I AM FREE AND OPEN TO DISCUSS.*
Well. There goes another cover up relationship...
Why in the hell do I keep doing this? Oh yeah, because my Jehovah's Witness mother and Baptist father would never take a faggot in their house.
Why'd they create one, then?
This is so confusing. I have a lot of friends. Maybe they'll back me up...
I told one of my best friends and he never responded. I just told him to keep it a secret.
It was on a Friday. That Monday I went to school like normal, but something was different. People looked at me differently. Almost with disgust. What did I do this time? I match today (for once). I took a shower. Brushed my teeth. Maybe my zipper... Nope. It's fine too.
Wait.
No.
He didn't.
Pffft. I'm just overreacting.
Alright, something has GOT to be up. Even at football practice, they're treating me differently. Like they're afraid of me. What's the problem?
Jamaal, did you get my message from last night?
"Yeah, fag boy."
What...? Look, I don't care. Just tell me you didn't tell anybody.
"I didn't tell anybody."
Then why the hell is everyone acting so weird to me?
"Maybe they don't want your gay to touch them? I don't know?"
THEN YOU FUCKING TOLD THEM?!?
"You told me to say I didn't tell anyone. I did that. Look, you better get to practice before Coach Simpson makes you run even more..."
...
Great... Now everyone knows. Maybe I should just put a label on my head that says it. ALRIGHT, DAMMIT. YES! I'M GAY! Alright, world. Give me all of your wrath. Give me your disagreements. Give me your Christians coming to my house throwing holy water on me and all my so called "peers" alienating me to face this on my own. I mean, I clearly always liked boys. This isn't exactly a choice. What makes me so different now that it's known? Yeah, I had girlfriends. Ever heard of a cover up? I'm young. I don't know what I want... I should be thinking about my next chemistry test; not how many times someone calls me faggot in a day. I thought Jamaal would have been able to at least talk to me man to man on this.
But I'm not a man.
I'm a pansy.
Just some little sweet fag that doesn't deserve to show his face.
So, he could talk to me bitch to man.
Or man to bitch, because I'm obviously not important enough to be put anywhere but last.
I have no one to turn to...
I posed the hypothetical question to my parents on what they would if I was gay, and my dad said he'd laugh in my face and disown me while my mom pleaded she'd try to get me "right".
Right.
What is right?
"It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!"
What about it's a kid who doesn't even believe those 2 beings exist? Also, every other man isn't named Adam or Steve.
So I guess I have to soul search and find out what's wrong with me. But I can't do this alone....
I'll ask da.... Nope.. Not dad.
Mo... Not mom.
Not Jamaal. If I can't go to him, that already cuts out Jordan, Elijah, and Jalen, since they're all and the same
Maybe Dayvid. He's Jordan's brother, but they aren't ALWAYS connected. Well, the only part about that is that Dayvid committed suicide last week.
What's the point of even living if this body is nothing more than a lie of illegal affection?
What the hell am I?
Oh yeah, that's right.
I'm gay...
Wonder how much damage a fall from here would do?...
...
This camera eye is capturing the moment of my life in my sophomore year of high school when I came out about my pansexuality. It is very descriptive and gets down to pretty much every nook and cranny of the personal thoughts I was experiencing and the actual actions that took place. These thoughts reflect how I was thinking AT THAT TIME and are not indications on how I feel against specific religions, groups, etc.
Well. There goes another cover up relationship...
Why in the hell do I keep doing this? Oh yeah, because my Jehovah's Witness mother and Baptist father would never take a faggot in their house.
Why'd they create one, then?
This is so confusing. I have a lot of friends. Maybe they'll back me up...
I told one of my best friends and he never responded. I just told him to keep it a secret.
It was on a Friday. That Monday I went to school like normal, but something was different. People looked at me differently. Almost with disgust. What did I do this time? I match today (for once). I took a shower. Brushed my teeth. Maybe my zipper... Nope. It's fine too.
Wait.
No.
He didn't.
Pffft. I'm just overreacting.
Alright, something has GOT to be up. Even at football practice, they're treating me differently. Like they're afraid of me. What's the problem?
Jamaal, did you get my message from last night?
"Yeah, fag boy."
What...? Look, I don't care. Just tell me you didn't tell anybody.
"I didn't tell anybody."
Then why the hell is everyone acting so weird to me?
"Maybe they don't want your gay to touch them? I don't know?"
THEN YOU FUCKING TOLD THEM?!?
"You told me to say I didn't tell anyone. I did that. Look, you better get to practice before Coach Simpson makes you run even more..."
...
Great... Now everyone knows. Maybe I should just put a label on my head that says it. ALRIGHT, DAMMIT. YES! I'M GAY! Alright, world. Give me all of your wrath. Give me your disagreements. Give me your Christians coming to my house throwing holy water on me and all my so called "peers" alienating me to face this on my own. I mean, I clearly always liked boys. This isn't exactly a choice. What makes me so different now that it's known? Yeah, I had girlfriends. Ever heard of a cover up? I'm young. I don't know what I want... I should be thinking about my next chemistry test; not how many times someone calls me faggot in a day. I thought Jamaal would have been able to at least talk to me man to man on this.
But I'm not a man.
I'm a pansy.
Just some little sweet fag that doesn't deserve to show his face.
So, he could talk to me bitch to man.
Or man to bitch, because I'm obviously not important enough to be put anywhere but last.
I have no one to turn to...
I posed the hypothetical question to my parents on what they would if I was gay, and my dad said he'd laugh in my face and disown me while my mom pleaded she'd try to get me "right".
Right.
What is right?
"It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!"
What about it's a kid who doesn't even believe those 2 beings exist? Also, every other man isn't named Adam or Steve.
So I guess I have to soul search and find out what's wrong with me. But I can't do this alone....
I'll ask da.... Nope.. Not dad.
Mo... Not mom.
Not Jamaal. If I can't go to him, that already cuts out Jordan, Elijah, and Jalen, since they're all and the same
Maybe Dayvid. He's Jordan's brother, but they aren't ALWAYS connected. Well, the only part about that is that Dayvid committed suicide last week.
What's the point of even living if this body is nothing more than a lie of illegal affection?
What the hell am I?
Oh yeah, that's right.
I'm gay...
Wonder how much damage a fall from here would do?...
...
This camera eye is capturing the moment of my life in my sophomore year of high school when I came out about my pansexuality. It is very descriptive and gets down to pretty much every nook and cranny of the personal thoughts I was experiencing and the actual actions that took place. These thoughts reflect how I was thinking AT THAT TIME and are not indications on how I feel against specific religions, groups, etc.
Monday, February 10, 2014
Newsreel: LOVE IS IN THE AIR
And it's nothing like I've never known before
Love is an open door
Submit your cutest couple picture into the contest for a chance to win FREE tickets...
I've loved you for a thousand years,
I'll love you for a thousand more
Every Kiss Begins With Kay...
-Alaina (Since it is almost Valentines. :) )
SOURCES:
http://www.disneyclips.com/lyrics/frozenlyrics4.html
wbul.com
https://www.google.com/#q=a+thousand+years
http://www.kay.com/en/kaystore?utm_campaign=SEM-{campaign}&utm_source=msn&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term={keyword}&cm_mmc=msn-_-keywords-_-M_Brand_Exact-_-every_kiss_begins_with_kay
Newsreel: Accepting the Pain
Newsreel: Accepting the Pain
By: Hayley Hedden
I started to feel the pain all over again
And that was the moment I knew
So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.
Turing Away From A Path To Suicide
Sources:
1. http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/01/25/a-fathers-grief-and-the-toll-of-his-gun-control-crusade/
2. Taylor Swift -Moment I knew - http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/taylorswift/themomentiknew.html
3. Perks of Being a Wallflower - https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/12898.Stephen_Chbosky
4. http://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/22/nyregion/turning-away-from-a-path-to-suicide.html?_r=0
News Reel: Leon: The LGBTQ Army
News Reel: The LGBTQ Army Forms
By: Leon Cummins
LGBT Immigrants Stand Up for Dignity and Respect
T-Pain Calls Out Hip Hop For Homophobia
Neil Patrick Harris: 'I Can Totally
Understand' Why Anderson Cooper Waited To Come Out
BREAKING: First
Division I College Football Player in History Comes Out as Gay
- http://www.fuse.tv/2014/02/t-pain-homophobia-hip-hop
- http://www.glaad.org/news/lgbt-immigrants-stand-dignity-and-respect
- http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/28/neil-patrick-harris-closeted-gay-celebrities_n_4171044.html
- http://muckrack.com/link/mo1Q/breaking-first-division-i-college-football-player-in-history-comes-out-as-gay
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Newsreel - Wrath
STAB IN THE DARK
face me as I unleash
this hate refined
HIJACKED JETS DESTROY TWIN TOWERS
AND HIT PENTAGON IN DAY OF TERROR
I wanna kill you,
I wanna kill you,
now I'm insane
Alaina Mills
Leon Cummins
Chandler Whaley
Hayley Hedden
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